Feeling like the White Rabbit
I’m not just feeling late. I’m feeling exhausted. I’m feeling overwhelmed. I wake up every morning and am already behind with no chance of catching up. That’s my life this past month. I could blame it on being a teacher with four separate preps, all of which are tested subjects (state or AP) and the month of April and first two weeks of May are when those tests occur. So, yes, if your a teacher of a tested subject (let alone FOUR tested subjects), come April, you’re stressed. I could also blame it on the fact that I am a mother of an amazing young woman who is graduating from high school this week, and I’m trying to enjoy my time with her and not register the thought that shortly, my child will no longer be living in her room. I could definitely blame it on trying to carve out time for myself and my writing every day. When do I write? How about a work out? A ride? Oh, wait, papers need to be graded. Dinner needs to be cooked. I need to interact with my family. I need to teach my classes. What the hell do I do for the final week of school after all the standardized exams are done?
I’m getting stressed just writing this post as I think about everything I should be doing, which is precisely the reason I haven’t written a blog in several weeks. There’s always something else I have to get done or should be doing. Or, which happens more often than not, I come home from school, make myself a quick snack, sit down on the couch to eat it, and then never get off the couch. When I finally stir myself, I’m even more stressed thinking about all the time I just wasted sitting on my butt. I’d love to say I have come up with some great solution to my stress and anxiety—a solution that has now properly organized my chaotic life into bite-size, manageable pieces—but that would be a lie. Most days, I’m lucky if I get a quarter of what I needed to done. Very rare days, I get a little over half of my list checked off.
I’ve started telling myself it’ll get better as soon as summer hits because, at least, I won’t have any educational responsibilities. That’s another lie I tell myself every year. And every year there is no magical summer where I get completely caught up. I am learning to embrace the chaos a bit better, and live in the anxiety. That’s the best way I can put it. Learning to embrace the chaos. Maybe I should start shortening my to do lists. Maybe I should learn to say no to new projects and new responsibilities. Maybe I shouldn’t try to do everything. All of those maybes are good ideas, and I’ve considered them many, many times over the years. The fact is that I don’t have a wise saying about how to manage stress and time and bring order to the chaos that is my life or anyone else’s. Sorry. All I can say is that all you other White Rabbits out there, I get you.