On Writing Who I am…

I grew up relatively invisible—too shy or awkward to feel comfortable engaging with those around me; and most days, I chose to live in my imagination and create so many of my different worlds, MithTerrra included, because I could be, see, do, say anything my mind could dream. I could outfight Apocalypse and save the X-Men with my mind-bending, world-altering powers. I could destroy Sauron and take his ring in an epic battle in front of the Black Gates. My imagination always followed a well worn path: I was a heroine and the most powerful with all the best quips and fight moves and intelligence. No one could match me, and I would always save the day and get the love. As I grew older, those dreams became more sophisticated. I also recognized that in my imagination, my character was a far cry from my reality. I was the center of attention, instead of the wallflower. I was definitely seen, not unnoticed.

It wasn’t until I started teaching that my writing persona started to merge with my real self. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean that I suddenly started having mutant powers or awesome sword skills. (I did take a few weeks of Taekwondo. Impressed?) Nor did I get better timing on my comebacks. (I still think of the best quip hours or days after the conversation. I’m going to have to get more comfortable with confrontation for that to change, and I don’t see that happening any time soon.) But what I did start to recognize was that everyone wants to be seen, acknowledged, celebrated at some point in their lives, which is a big reason why I always greet students whether I know them or not when I walk through the halls at school, especially in the morning. It’s why I always try to respond to students with a positive even if their answer to a question is wrong. It’s why I am the teacher I am even if my sarcasm wins out at times.

My lessons, my yearnings, myself show up in my writings as well. In several of my TikTok videos about my series and my tv interviews, I mention that Sylle is my idealized self—a popular, quick-witted warrior, who never loses a battle of strength or the mind. She does have my curly brown hair and blue eyes, intense loyalty to family and friends, solid concept of right and wrong, and deep desire for justice; however, that’s about it. On the other hand, Tarin, the dwarf lord of Exulias in my trilogy, is a version of me, wanting to be seen, always saying things wrong, not knowing what’s socially correct or incorrect, feeling invisible to those around him. He comes from my experiences as most. writing does. I think every author has different iterations of themselves in their work. Often more than one. We write best what we already know. It rings the truest. That’s why MithTerra is so real to me. I lived there for many, many years. I escaped and lived in a world of my creation with characters influenced by my life outside. I have to admit the world outside my imagination often felt cold and very lonely while my stories were full of vibrance and light. That’s what gives us the best stories, though. Life, our life, our experiences, our pain, our joy, our hopes, even our failures. They’re all the stuff of legends.

Footnote: This post has been hard for me. I have typed, erased, typed, erased so many times and I still can’t seem to get it right. To be honest, every way I write it sounds like a “woe is me” piece; and frankly, that’s not how I see my life, past or present. I’ve had struggles. I’ve had horrible experiences. I do suffer from excruciating social anxiety and been known to be paralyzed by my shyness. However, that’s only a part of my life. Yes, a part I’ve learned a lot from and often wished different, but still only a part. The majority of my life, including my childhood, was amazing. It gave me the time and imagination to create worlds, histories, races, monsters, and everything that you will find in my books. Additionally, without my past, I wouldn’t be me. I certainly wouldn’t be a teacher or at least, as successful as teacher as I believe I am. I wouldn’t have the richness of characters, realms, plot, symbols, etc., that I have in my books because my imagination would never have been adequately fueled to create the series. So, if this post seems to be heading towards the victim syndrome, ignore it. My life may not have been a cake walk, but I definitely ate a lot of cake through out it.