Finding my voice in a loud world.
I’m an introvert, which means social situations are tremendously difficult for me. Actually, dealing with and interacting with people in general is massively anxiety inducing. I seem to suffer from “Foot-in-mouth-to-hip Disease” and have my entire life or at least, that’s what it feels like. I have always felt invisible and my thoughts unheard or unnoticed because I am quiet. I don’t really raise my voice. I allow others their space (Mainly because it makes me more comfortable and I was also raised to believe in the golden rule: “treat others as you would like to be treated.”) I know that this has led to many people not even noticing me, especially since my brother and sister were loud, vivacious, in-your-face personalities that everyone responded to positively. Their names were always remembered, not mine. In fact, there are people my older brother went to school with who truly had no idea that he had two sisters because they were aware of my younger sister, but had no clue I existed. I was quiet. I sat in the back of the classroom and rarely spoke because when I did, it felt as though I was always saying the wrong thing. I still feel that way.
Going to social activities like banquets, book signings, conferences, work related events, whatever requires me to interact with the public is excruciating for me. Also, terrifying. For instance, I recently attended a dinner that was a fundraiser for our local children’s hospital with my husband and a couple who were good friends of mine. My husband’s company had reserved two tables and other than my friend, her husband, and I, everyone was related in some way to my husband’s company. Plus, there were other people there I knew from school (parents of students, fellow teachers). I didn’t know who to talk to and for how long. I became overcome with anxiety that I was ignoring someone because I was talking to my friend, instead of a parent of a student who approached our table to say hello or my husband’s work colleagues and their wives at our table. I began to wonder if I was talking too much to my friend and ignoring them. By the end of the dinner, I was exhausted from all my wondering about who I was offending and upsetting.
You can imagine what my brain feels like with all the self-promoting that I have to do for my books. No offense to those who love being on social media, but I loathe it. Analyzing what I’m saying: does anyone really care? Are my books even good enough? When is promoting bragging? Why am I putting myself out there just for people to mock? And the videos—so awkward and weird. Why am I videoing myself for others to see? Don’t I look stupid? Is a non-stop chant in my head. So you can imagine how well I have been promoting myself. Not well. But after a conversation with my amazing daughter, I decided to do what she suggested—talk to people in small doses and have faith.
I put that plan into action two days ago when we went for a window shopping walk through our little town of Jonesborough. There’s a new shop that we stopped in because it looked interesting and it was. Fantasy inspired. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Spiderwick Chronicles. Local artists—my favorite was a sketch of a really cool woman I will call the “Owl Woman” and then this wood art that were scenes from Lord of the Rings—The Bridge at Khazad-dum and the Battle at the Black Gates among other pieces. Just an amazing shop for fantasy lovers. It’s called the Fern & Fable Collective and you can now find my books sold there. I took a deep breath and promoted myself and my books, and it worked. My daughter was there and watched the whole thing and was so proud of me. Now, if you are in Jonesborough, Tennessee, and walk by the Fern & Fable Collective, you can see my books featured in the window.
I’m learning how to speak for myself and stepping out of the shadows in which I have always found so safe. It’s terrifying and empowering. Thanks to my daughter and my students, I’m finding my voice.