Pressure

Today. my plan was get some things done while my students took a test; but I couldn’t figure out where to start. I sat in front of my computer frozen and overwhelmed with everything I needed to do and no idea where to start. Do I check and answer emails? Do I grade the mountain of papers that four AP classes and one English 10 class give me on a weekly basis? Do I take time to continue writing—something I haven’t been able to do in several days because every time I start, something else comes up that I need to address? Do I have everything planned and ready for my classes tomorrow? What about social media posts for my book? My list of to dos is very long and my time is nonexistent at this point. So, I sat there for twenty minutes staring at my computer screen and the stack of class folders filled with student work and could not make a decision about where to start. I didn’t even realize how much time had passed as I sat there lost in my indecision. I’m sure I looked like a computer that is endlessly rebooting with a dotted circle spinning endlessly on an otherwise blank screen. I was shaken out of my stupor when a student came up and asked to go to the bathroom.

Even then, I didn’t know where to start; so, I took a deep breath and decided to focus on one thing, instead of letting my mind spiral over everything. I grabbed the AP Lang folder and began grading essays, just reading one at a time; and I at least got something done, trying to forget about the nagging reminder that my planning period was shot due to an evaluation meeting with an administrator. I squeezed some planning in after the final bell and made sure that everything was ready for tomorrow—well, mostly ready—before I flew out the door to get home, change out the clean dishes in the dishwasher with dirty ones, figure out dinner, change into riding clothes, and head to the barn. My brain and heart rate slowed down as soon as I got Koko out of her field. That calmness lasted until I got in my car to head home and a myriad of chores started running through my head. So, I focused on one task at a time just like I had earlier that day. Everything didn’t get done, but some things did.

I wonder how often my students feel this way—anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed. How often are they wishing they could do something fun over all the tasks that their lives and responsibilities throw at them. It’s fine to say just focus on one thing at a time and try to get one thing done before moving onto the next thing; but that’s not always feasible. Multitasking, however, has never been my strong suit. I seem to do nothing completely and everything halfway. It’s stressful. So here’s my resolution: I will take on one responsibility at a time interspersed with things that give me true joy: riding Koko, playing with Annie, writing, be present with my family. I will try to remember that I am human and won’t always finish everything as quickly as I think I should. I will also try to remember when the stress starts to weigh me down that I am truly lucky in so many ways—family, friends, and a job that isn’t a chore because I truly do love working with my students. I just am not that crazy about the grading; but I guess one can’t expect to have everything perfect.